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Rule 1: Every post must have a joke in it.
Rule 2: Sorry, my host + site sponsors don’t approve of adult stuff so please keep it clean!Two fish in a tank, one says to the other – you drive I’ll man the guns.
A drunken man was casually taking a pee into a drinking fountain in the park. A police officer comes up to him and yells frantically.
”What the hell do you think your doing. There’s a public toilet 20 meters from here!”
The man, amazed, yells back. ”What do you think I have, a hose?”Apologies for these – they are courtesy of my store manager who has an odd sense of humour:
The Americans had George Bush, Johnny Cash, Bob Hope & Stevie Wonder.
We have Gordon Brown, no cash, no hope and no f.. wonder.Little girl wakes up to find her dog dead with it’s legs up in the air and asks her daddy why it was like that. Daddy says “It’s died and it’s like that so Jesus can pick it up and take it to heaven.”
Next day, the little girl turns to her dad and said “Daddy, Mummy nearly died today. She was on her back with her legs in the air shouting ‘Oh Jesus, I’m coming, I’m coming.’. If the milkman hadn’t been holding her down we would’ve lost her.”[quote1235128753=jez]
Rule 1: Every post must have a joke in it.
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Sony Vaio P – from £849 !lolNo, seriously folks. Here goes:
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
‘Not a chance’ says the husband, ‘It’s 3:00 in the morning!’ He slams the door and returns to bed.
‘Who was that?’ asked his wife.
‘Just some drunk guy asking for a push’ he answers.
‘Did you help him?’ she asks.
‘No, I did not, it’s 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!’
‘Well, you have a short memory,’ says his wife. ‘Can’ t you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!’
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, ‘Hello, are you still there?’
‘Yes’ comes back the answer.
‘Do you still need a push?’ calls out the husband.
‘Yes, please!’ comes the reply from the dark.
‘Where are you?’ asks the husband.
‘Over here on the swing,’ replied the drunk !lol
A snail goes into a pub.
“Pint of Guiness please, i’m parched” he asks the barmanUnprovoked the barman replies “Sorry pal, we don’t serve your type in here, CLEAR OFF!”
The snail gets kicked out of the pub.A year later the snail returns to the same pub, goes up to the barman and says
“What did you do that for?”
I went to the doctor the other day,
I said ‘with all the excitement of Christmas I can’t sleep”
he said ‘ Try lying on the edge of your bed, you’ll soon drop off’OK, so the last one was much too long 🙁
Man on the news today…
Born deaf but has had the inners of a pig’s ear transplanted.
He can hear things now, but there is a lot of crackling !lol
Back to long, rambling, shaggy dog stories 😉
The Story of Adam & Eve’s Pets
Adam and Eve said, ‘Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonely here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.’
And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.’
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.
And Adam said, ‘Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.’
And God said, ‘I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.’
And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them. And they were comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, ‘Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.’
And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.’
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.
And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat’s eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.
And Adam and Eve learned humility. And they were greatly improved.
And God was pleased . . . .
And Dog was happy. . . . .
And Cat didn’t give a shit one way or the other !lol
OK…..so by now you know I like shaggy dog stories…..so here’s another one:
Recently I received a parrot as a gift.
The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
I tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else I could think of to “clean up” the bird’s vocabulary.
Finally, I was fed up and I yelled at the parrot.
The parrot yelled back.
I shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.
So, in desperation, I threw up my hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet.
Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that I’d hurt the parrot,
I quickly opened the door to the freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto my outstretched arms and said
“I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.
I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.”
I was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude.
As I was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued,
“May I ask what the turkey did?”
This thread has been eerily quiet for too long. So, time for another Muff special:
A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, ‘ It’s golf balls ‘ .
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said.
After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, ‘Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?
On a similar theme to the last one….
Tiger Woods goes into his local garage for some petrol in his sponsored Mercedes.
When paying for the petrol, he rummages in his pocket and finds 2 golf tees which he places on the counter.
The assistant has never seen these things before, so asks Mr Woods what they are for.
“You put your balls on them when you are driving” he replies.
To which the assistant exclaims “Gee, those guys at Mercedes think of everything, don’t they!” ;o)
And on a similar theme to one of TCMuffin’s earlier jokes…
I went to a zoo the other day.
When I got there, I found they only had one animal in the whole zoo…a dog.
It was a Schi-tzu!
Time for a Muff special. Not a joke as such because it’s true (allegedly):
These just made me smile……………..you may already know them
Qantas Airlines: Repair Division
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a ‘Gripe Sheet’ which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.
The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the Gripe Sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas’ pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions (marked with an S) recorded by maintenance engineers.
By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident:
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute Descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what friction locks are for.P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.P: Aircraft handles funny………..
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.P: Radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed radar with lyrics.P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed
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